Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, unto Him be the glory! Ephesians 3:20-21


Tuesday, May 31, 2011

GRADITUDE

I have had a very emotional week.  I have been reading Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts: A dare to live fully alive.  It has tied into my life and has made me stop and think, actually think about my life.   I usually keep myself so busy that I don't have time to stop and think about things deeply.  But I want to be real - I don't want to be a fake.  I think I see that a lot of the time I just put my "real" feelings on the back burner because to deal with them requires time, effort and emotion.  I don't like to cry and I especially don't like to cry in front of people  - what's up with that?!?  Anyway, this book is making me "think" about my life and what I truely believe.  My husband was gone for the past week, my daugher was away at camp and my son was at work or church most of the week and was not home until 10 pm or after.  I had a ton of time by myself and time to think!  I cried and cried.  Most of the reasons I cried was because I actually let myself "feel".  I cried about the tornadoes and the babies that were sucked out parents arms and I cried about the 18 year old who had just graduated and was headed home and was sucked out of his car. All these were found later - dead.  I also cried because of something else closer but I can't talk about yet because it has to do with my parents 50th anniversary and my mama reads my blog! (hi  - Mom!)  I will tell her soon.  She is also reading this book ( actually has read it through twice now )   The whole book is on graditude and how there is "no joy without trust".   Ann says, "thanks feeds our trust".

My problem is trust ....  How can I trust that God won't allow something like the "tornados" to happen to my 18 year old.   And those babies!  I thought that I had long ago resolved this issue in my heart and I did trust God with my life and all those I love but man o man, this week I have found out that that issue is not resolved and it has ripped open my heart.  I have not wanted to go there but I've found myself almost forced.  So, I am trying the 1000 gifts journal - listing 1000 things I am thankful for.  It's harder for me than I thought.  I am only at about 30...  I am finding it extremely hard to give thanks when I am soooo upset with my husband over whatever.  But that's what we are called to do.  Give thanks in everything.  And then Ann says when we do this we will find joy.  That it is a new way of Seeing in life and the result is a true Trust in God.  

So I've began my journey here - already I know I am changing but it's hard.  I am crying so much as I look at thispart of me.  I feel like I am being broken and God is putting me back together a little differently.  I am wrestling with God on the Trust issue.   I've been here before (at least a little bit ) and I know in the end there is peace.  I just don't know what I will  have to go through to get there.  The unknown is scary and requires trust that God knows what He is doing and is doing it for my benefit.  It's easy to "say" that I believe that God knows what He is doing and that it's for my own good, I know that is the right answer, I 've been in church all my life and I know the right churchy answers. BUT do I really trust God in the "Big" Hurts? (ie.. a horrible death to someone I love, like the tornadoes or a car accident)    The first step is recognizing where you're at, right?   I am at - I DON'T KNOW IF I DO TRUST HIM THERE, but I want to be at that place. Bad things happen to Christians (unsaved too) that we don't understand and I realize that I will never understand why but I want to be at that place of acceptance. 
Ann gives her testimony of how she wrestled with this and found joy and peace.   It's all about Graditude - Thanks - Seeing life as a gift!     So, Here I go.....

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