Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, unto Him be the glory! Ephesians 3:20-21

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

what consumes me?

It's been so long that I hardly know where to start.  First of all, I have to say that Kimberlynn, has given me a boost to come back to this.  It was so good to hear where she has been and where she is now on her journey. 

In February of this year, I started really looking at me and the Weight Watchers plan.  I think WW is a great plan and it does work for weight loss BUT  my problem has not been with which plan to do.  It is deeper than that.  In February, God brought me to a place and I saw that food consumes me.   I had been reading about the Rich Young man  and I realized that food is something that I "crave" more than God.    Was I willing to to deny myself and follow God? 
Prior to this my sister had sent me a free link to a book called "Made to Crave",  this particular link was to a devotional type of book for my kindle.  I downloaded it and had been reading that.  Then went and purchased the book.  Also at this time I started thinking about a program I had done years before called Weigh Down.   I knew that these two programs was what I was supposed to look at.  God was telling me that my weight was just an outward symptom of a much bigger issue in my heart.  
 WW was only helping me lose weight and not addressing my heart at all.    So through Weigh Down and Made to Crave and lots of time spent with God.  I am working on my heart.  My weight has stayed right between 181 and 185.   I know that when I get my heart right the weight will come off.  When my focus is not on food and more onto God  -  the weight will come off.
So I am following the Weigh Down principles and reading Made to Crave but really I am just trying to listen to God's voice in what and how much I eat. 
God has been so faithful to show me what path to take.  A lot of times I do have to wait for His answer but He is faithful!!   I feel more at peace about my weight and weight loss plan than I ever have.  I know this is HIS plan.  AND it works!!  Life is so much better when He is at the center!  I still really really struggle but I am learning and He is guiding! 

PSALM 143:8

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

How do I handle interruptions?

Today I was studying Genesis 24 (by way Kay Arthurs Teach Me Yours Ways) 
I asked myself, "So what can I learn from Rebekah's welcome to Abraham's servant"? 
1. She wasn't afraid of hard work
2. She didn't complain or make excuses
3. She didn't gripe about the interruption of her day
I am sure it took awhile to water all those camels.  The internet says that a camel can drink up to 25 gallons of water at a time, there were 10 camels

I get mad when I've made a schedule and something/someone interrupts me.  
Just today before doing this study I made a schedule of what I think are the most important things to get done each day.  I know me...I will get upset when I can't get to all the things I put on my list.  So a lot of times I just don't make a list and then of course I end up not getting things done.   Catch 22......

So since I've made my list then, "How am I going to handle the interruptions that will CERTAINLY come"?  Rebekah handled it with Grace and maturity AND she didn't miss out the BLESSING! 
Am I going to miss out on a blessing because I don't want to be interrupted?  How am I going to react?  Will I react with Grace and Maturity or will I be a self-centered person with her own agenda of things of importance and miss a blessing?   

I am still trying to track my food but not doing too well.  I have lost a couple of the pounds that I gained over Christmas.  God is working on me in some emotional areas concerning food and I don't have a lot of clarity on that yet.  More to come on that....

Saturday, December 10, 2011


What a busy time of life!  You'd think that when one of the kids moves out and the other is hardly ever home that you'd have more time.   I don't know -- I guess I am taking on extra things that I wouldn't have before.  Anyways it's been super busy.

I am trying hard to get a grip on all the things that we've gone through recently.  In the whole scheme it seems silly that I've let this stuff get to me so much.   I have been having the hardest time with getting older!  I think I am down right depressed about it.  I also think that since my routine has been so changed that not taking my anti-depressants has not helped me much.   So in the last couple weeks I have been doing better - some...  

I am just so sad that that part of my life, the part where the kids were small, is over!   It makes me just cry every time I think of it.  Am I the only one????  I am an emotional mess when it comes to this subject! 

I really am glad that Ty is moved out.  It is a good situation and he is doing well and loving his life.  I still have Kaycee at home but she is so independent and wants to stay on the go constantly!  I don't want Ty back home, I know this is what is best for him.
Kaycee is really maturing and that is a good thing.  She is gaining a lot of self confidence and growing in the Lord.  As is Ty...  

SO WHAT IS MY PROBLEM!!!???    I guess it's just change - big change and it seemed to happen so quick and all at once.   I tend to focus on the past and what I don't have now.  It would be good if I could change that.  My friend tells me I just need time.

In the midst of all that we stopped going to WW.  It was so early on Saturday morning and another time together did not work - so we are going to try to continue on our on.  Hmmm, not sure how that will work out.  So far, I have put back on about 5 lbs.  
I'm not going crazy with eating but it's a bad time of year to try to lose!  I started doing bad at WW when Alan started going.  I don't like competition too much.  I think I just kind of gave up when he started losing.  That's something I need to look at - what's up with that? 

I don't want to be sooo focused on food and with WW you have to be.  At the same time if  I am not focused then I tend to eat too much.   AGH... what to do!!

Well that's all the time I have to ramble!!    Gotta get my day going!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Learning to get back up...

It's been a rough month!  We are moved.  We didn't move to town and are still in the East Mountains but not in the trees.  God provided us a nice house with wonderful owners!  We are adjusting to this house and it's going pretty good.  So much has happened that has had me in a tailspin. 

Because we did not move to town our son decided to seriously look for a place to live in town.  He found a great deal and has moved into town.  He was at the new house maybe 3 nights!   So this is sad for me but I know it's for the best.  He is doing well and it's been a good experience  for him so far. 

The next thing that happened was not good.  I play piano/keyboard for our church 2x a month.  Our dear drummer, a blind young man, 22 years old, died suddenly.  He had seizures and the last one took his life.  We had played Sunday and that evening/next morning he died!   It was such a shock.  He and I had been playing together for 3 years and I loved him like a son.   We had his funeral the following Friday and the family asked our team to play at the funeral, which we did.   It was an honor but really hard.  
We had just finished moving into our new house the week before he died.  Right after the funeral I went to Colorado with two of my best friends.  My one friend has a cabin by the river and we took a 3 day trip up there.  On the way up I started getting a sore throat and by that night was SICK!!  I was so miserable the whole weekend!  The aspens were at the height of color!!  Gorgeous but I was barely able to enjoy it. :(
Here it is 2-3 weeks later and I am just starting to feel better -  physically and emotionally.  I ended up gaining 3 1/2 pounds during this time - which I'm surprised that that's all I gained.  I really don't even care because I felt like I was barely hanging on at times.   I basically just checked out for several weeks.

I need to find my focus again and get going.  Life has so many ups and downs and I realize that this past month is a bump in the road.  These kind of things are going to happen - hopefully not as bad as some of the things this time.    I'm learning....   the key is to not give up...  get back up and start again!!  So here I go!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Gotta Move (Mercy Me song)

Life is about to get crazy again.   We moved to this cute little house in the East Mountains of New Mexico the 1st of July.  I love this place but it has some major problems.  
One is the septic system - they are about to have to tear it up and put in a new one.   BIG pain for us and our dogs.  Going to cost the owner (we rent) about 30,000  -bummer for them..  Next our water here is hard hard -- the epa guidelines for one of the things tested is it must be below 500ppm  -- Ours is 880ppm...  not safe to drink!   The owner needs to put in a softener  -- 3000.00  --  bummer..  
The landlord didn't act like the owner was going to want to do that.  We have had some problems (big problems) with the landlord.  So we told her maybe we need to move..  She said she thought that would be a good idea!  So we are getting out of our year contract here.
SO NOW we have to find a place that will allow 3 dogs and 2 cats...  and then move AGAIN  soon!!   UGH!!  I just so dread moving again. 
Today I will be out looking for rentals IN town..  we are moving from the mountains :-(  to the busy city.   It's quite a sacrifice for me.  I absolutely love the mountains and the quiet and the birds..  It will be best for my family - as they are all working in the city and have to drive back and forth, a lot.  Also, I will be closer to my mom & dad, my sister and my brothers families.  So it's a mixed blessing. 

We are trying to hear God's voice in all this and so far doors have opened in this direction and so we will continue to go this way.  I am trying to be confident that He already has a place picked out for us that will be just right!
Thanks for your prayers!!

Sunday, September 18, 2011


I wish this feeling could go on forever!!  It's kind of funny how part of me is a stressed out mess and the other part, the weight focus part, is doing pretty good.   So I should say I wish the way I feel with my weight focus area could go on forever.  I think that is progress?!   

Yesterday, was weigh in day.  I knew I had done pretty good for the week because I had tracked and hadn't gone too crazy with extras.   So I was down 1.2 lbs  YAY!   From here on out is the lowest "weight" I have been in over 25 years..  I know I've said that before, recently,  but it still amazes me!  I feel this "Hope" that this time I'm going to do this!!   I don't know something feels different.     

So I went to Target to buy a baby shower gift.  Decided to get a pair of black jeans.   Took a 14 and a 12 to the  try on room.....  Thought, "well, I should try the 12 on first and get that disappointment over quickly,  IT FIT  and the waist was actually a little big.   I might could have worn a 10...  OMG!!  I didn't have time to try the 10 on and I believe it would have been too tight but I bet I could have gotten it zipped!!  
I am so close to being in the 160's!!  I just can't even imagine.   For so so long I was over 200 ..  Most of my adult life has been spent somewhere around 204 - 215..  And then for the last probably 10 years between 194 & 200...     194 has been my body's happy place...  go figure....    So to think of being in the 160's or at my goal weight of around 140ish  is so much closer than it's ever been and hard to even imagine. 

I saw some old friends that I hadn't seen in probably 10 years and one of them said she had to do a double take!!   What a compliment!  Then just yesterday my husband said, "you really aren't much bigger than your mom now"!  (sorry mom, I hope that's a compliment to you and not an insult)   My mom is in the low 140's...

I know I am at one of those highs and I apologize if it seems I am over the top.   I've got to take advantage of this while I can.  I feel like I need this motivation to keep me going.   

I also know this is where you lose sight of the real focus and it becomes easy to focus on the outward appearance.  It's such a balance.  It's ok to be concerned with how you look and ok to enjoy food but I tend to take it to extremes and lose my focus of what it really is about.   That is obedience to the Lord in not letting "this" rule my life but letting Him rule my life. 

Thanks Joy and Josie and Kimberlyn(where are you,  I miss your posts so much) --  you guys give me so much encouragement!  I love to read your blogs.  I do believe this has been one of the differences this time for me.  WW meetings help but you guys help so much more!!   Please keep your daily stories up - they help so much!!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Pam's new Groove?!?

This morning was rough!  As my friend Terry said, "One of those pure discipline days"!  There are 2 spin classes on Friday.  One at 5:45am and one at 7:15am. 

My husband had the alarm set to go off at 5:15am so I could get up and go.  He has the alarm set to  "CRICKETS"....   So at 5:15 the crickets start chirping... ugh....  I just cant get up and make myself go this early!!  Turn those blasted crickets off!

So  here's the dilemma - the 5:45 class is easier and the 7:15 class is taught by a crazy guy who really works your tail off!  what to do???  
I thought about just not going at all - I did clean 2 houses yesterday and I went to class on Wednesday.  NOPE!  I got myself up and I went to crazy guys class and it was a killer.   It was a strength class.   My legs are done! 

But I feel great!!!
(note to self --  remember this feeling, I feel like I could tackle just about anything right now and I feel like really watching what I eat)  
I need to remember this next time so that it will help push me through these times when I just don't want to do it.   

I am feeling like I have my groove back.  It's been a rough couple of months but I THINK I am refocused and ready to do the next 25-30lbs.    That's it, that's all I want to lose!  It seems like nothing but I know that it is the hardest - well I hear the last 10 are the hardest..   I hope I will be able to say for myself if it is or not. 

I have been trying not to be so focused on food.  I have been trying to have my quiet time with the Lord and get my focus right.   The real focus should be on my obedience to Christ.
BECAUSE   ---  "Everything is permissible for me" -- but not everything is beneficial....  I will not be mastered by anything". 
I Corinthians 6:12
This is what I am holding on to lately.  I have been soo mastered by food.  It has driven practically my whole life!  This should not be.  This verse must be the reason I do this.   Not to be a size "whatever"..  not to worry about what others are thinking of me but to be able to say that "FOOD IS NOT MY MASTER"!  

It is so hard for me not to focus on the size/looks issue - it is a constant struggle BUT my God is stronger than my mind and if I am willing to let Him change it -- HE WILL!    I am still begging him to give me a "want to" but for the right reasons.   I do believe my heart/mind is changing a little....