The Heart

A new week and I am feeling better.  I have had a few thoughts running through my head and I want to put them down before I forget them. 
I gained at our Saturday weigh in  +.2   - not a lot and it could have been and maybe should have been more.   As I think about losing weight and living life I can't help but think that the last few weeks that I have not been AS focused ---  have been.. well, ok.  I had a lot of things going on.  Life altering things! 
I don't want to be so totally focused on my weight and food that that is all I think about and that is all my life revolves around. 

I read in the book,  "Made to Crave",  that Lysa was either feeling guilt over what she had eaten or feeling deprived over what she didn't allow herself to eat.  EXACTLY!!  She was allowing Satan to keep her in a place where victory was never to be had.  I know that feeling!  This simple observation has really got me thinking about how I live my life.  I can see this same thing happening in other areas of my life other than food.   I believe that this is one of  those small changes that somehow amount to big changes down the road.  You know when you wake up one day and realize, "that isn't a problem anymore - how did I get to this point"?  

Anyway, this is where the change is happening - in my head.  The weight is going to follow.  It may take another year or two to get to my goal but I know that the body follows the mind.  A few days or weeks off focus is not going to make me fail.  It's the change inside of me that is going to be what keeps me going.  I have a hope!!  I am still struggling with a lot of issues - some weight related some relationship related but I can see that some major mindsets are being challenged and changed. 

I am still looking at issue of   "what I feel I deserve or am entitled to".  I had a light bulb come on when I realized that this is not just a food related issue and that some of my problems with my relationship with my husband is due to this way of thinking also.  I have been feeling like I deserve or should be entitled to  MORE compassion or thoughtfulness, or  - fill in the blank   from him.  I am not saying that he shouldn't be more compassionate or whatever.  I am just saying that I am starting to see that my mood, my happiness, my anger or way I treat him depends on whether or not I feel that he has or hasn't given me what I deserve.  I have been thinking that I DESERVE so much more than he was giving and then it would make me mad mad if I didn't get what I thought I should have!!  WHO DO I THINK I AM?!?!   Do I not sound like the Queen of the land or a spoiled rotten child?  ugh.... UGLINESS!! 
I'm thinking that this is probably something that God cares a great deal about.  It's an ugly part of my heart and He is all about changing that.  Maybe it has  come to the point where He had to get my attention to this through food?  I am pretty thick skulled and it takes me a long time to GET it!   The weight and health of my body is important but I know that God's concern is always about the heart.     Hhhmmmm......